The Stoned Cows

Breakfast Converstation

2012-01-22T09:08:00.000-08:00

Native Bread-Making Attempt # 23: Pinoy Spanish Bread

a.k.a Bagong Tuli (translation: Newly Circumcised) [oh so... appetizing??]

Aaron (on his fourth tuli): What am I eating?

Me: newly circumcised titi. Can't you tell?

Aaron: no. it's oh so small

Me: ...not if you're 8

Rough World Series #1: At the Philippine Tiangge

2011-01-11T17:47:00.000-08:00

aaron: [holding up a pair of boxers] magkano

tindera (sales lady): 200

aaron: hay nako grabe! mahal mashadow. 100

my dad: [holding one up] walang butas

tindera: unisex boxers, mam-sir

aaron: ayokow. I need MALAKING hole [with matching hand measurement of 3 feet]

Racial Discrimination

2010-08-07T06:36:00.001-07:00

me: I heard they saw Usher taking Jeeps around Manila

aaron: I bet it was just some black guy. People see foreigners and they think of celebrities

me: but it's not just us.. those black guys you worked with used to call you Harry Potter and Spiderman

me: RJ kinda looks like Toby McGuire

aaron: no, RJ can't be Toby McGuire because he's not white.

aaron: RJ can be Jet Li.

aaron: and Choob can be Jackie Chan.

aaron: and K can be Jackie Chan.

Naaalimpungatan

2010-08-07T06:33:00.000-07:00

7:30am. 7 Aug 2010

aaron: Gusto ko ng... bedpan

me: how about starting the day with "good morning"

aaron: Good morning, gusto ko ng... bedpan

to my mad hatters...

2010-04-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

i just saw Alice in Wonderland (i know, i'm late) and a quote reminded me of you guys:

The Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?
[Alice checks Hatter's temperature]
Alice Kingsley: I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

stay mad peeps!
:)

2010-03-30T09:43:00.000-07:00

just a minor kwento.

got home sunday night from a weekend beach trip. pretty tired from the journey but i went straight to the Church to catch one of the last few evening masses. first time it ever happened to me:

I Fell Asleep!

While Standing!

True story. I swear. Quite an experience. I was off balance for a second but good thing i was able to hold on to one of the pews and thus prevent complete and utter humiliation!

Maybe this is the reason why i can't find my passport. :D

mid western yoga (y'all)

2010-03-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

usual yoga teacher: open your chest, lift your arms to the sky.. exhale.. roll down vertebrae by vertebrae.. send the top of your head towards the earth.. inhale.. relax your heart center...

substitute yoga teacher with twang: beind over.. lit chur head haing, lahk a shanny lil weight on uh feeshin' powl.. [hiccup]

My Brush with Pet-loving America

2010-03-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

TOASTMASTERS INTERVIEW:

Toastmaster: tell us something about yourself that few people know

me: umm. I like rabbit

Toastmaster: awww (with a sparkle of innocence in his eyes) you like bunny rabbits?

me: no, i like to eat rabbit.

[no response. perhaps I should elaborate]

me: I guess they're dual-purpose that way

[perhaps I should have stopped at "rabbit"]

me in a desperate attempt to redeem myself: BUT I don't eat them if they're named, domesticated or vaccinated

[STILL no reaction from the crowd]

I told Aaron as soon as I got home (sumbong) -- FINALLY got some laughter out of this (God bless supportive spouses or at least ones with a similarly twisted sense of humor).

my best (my only) comeback!

2010-03-17T19:41:00.001-07:00

aaron: I'm gonna show you who's boss around here

me: ..by holding a mirror in front of me?

[laughter]

Sweet (& pungent) Dreams are Made of These

2010-02-25T20:56:00.000-08:00

Wednesday morning I was the first person at the bus stop (wow an early Filipino!), followed by 2 Indians in SHORT SLEEVED office shirts. Now this made me (the minority) look pretty ridiculous in my 5 layers of winter clothing. But just as I began to second guess myself, I saw them pull out some thick gloves from their bags. Apparently the poor chaps just arrived from India and forgot their coats at home. Not a very warm welcome at all!

I chatted them up and enjoyed their conversation while waiting, but that was the end of our encounter because I decided to sit elsewhere on the bus. And no, the motive was not prompted by my Filipino nose (tiny but sensitive!) because they didn't appear to carry the distinctive signature Indian aroma. But alas, 3 stops later another Indian gentleman who not only possessed the scent but also exuded it well beyond his 3 layers of clothing, stepped into the vehicle and decided to sit beside me. Breathe in, breathe out. This exercise was not exactly calming given the circumstances. At this point I thought I'd just pass the time by sleeping off the rest of the trip. And with that I resigned myself to a long nap and several dreams of curry.

I woke up 30 minutes later and glanced at my neighbor only to find him asleep. Perhaps dreaming about... kitkats and longanisa?

Why I moved to another country

2010-02-20T20:22:00.001-08:00

Oh shit...

Addicts

2010-02-20T06:42:00.000-08:00

I found out from my nieces that the latest in-thing (at least in Canada) has been to collect Lush* products.

*Lush is a store in the mall that you can smell from a 2-block radius. Individually, their products are [somewhat] fragrant, but as a chorus on the store shelf, they will overwhelm you with an experience of the quintessence present in every grandmother's perfume of choice.

(Brace yourself: flashbacks imminent)

The day after Xmas, the grownups of the household were out (Aaron and I were too lazy to wake up and go with them) so I woke the kids and made everyone breakfast in preparation for a trip to the mall afterwards.

At the table, the two girls started planning their would-be purchases. Aaron listened to them talk about 60 grams of this and 100 grams of that, so he thought he'd make some conversation:

"Are you talking about soap?" he asked them.

"No," i said to him in a loud whisper. "They're talking about cocain."

The two of us BURST out laughing!!!

... and my nieces looked at us like we were from another planet called Cincinnati.

Sige na, People!!

2010-02-19T20:17:00.000-08:00

A year long hush?! Where are the odd stories for all our fans? Well "fan" - we had one but I think the flashing lights of the virtual world have long stolen his pocket-sized attention span from our grasp! Take my word for it: Chronic Clicking (and double-clicking) will someday out-fashion ADD.

Just got home from dinner and a side-trip to the gas station where our headlight cover was crushed by the driver of a brand new car that decided to back up against us instead of moving towards the road ahead. REALLY, the guy had 2 options - front / back - was it that challenging?

Anyway, everyone's so nice here, Aaron didn't even bother honking because he thought the other guy was just adjusting the car and would stop in time. It was actually me, with my Filipino-driver instincts, who pounced on the horn with the speed and agility of a one-million-dollar-chance-of-a-lifetime game show contestant.

[Gimme a] BEEEEEP!!!!

Sledding & The Conversation After

2009-01-27T15:00:00.001-08:00

Aaron: I didn't know this was your first sled ride. I'm glad you saved yourself, but I want you to know that I've... done this before.... many, many times.... with different people.

me: even guys?

Aaron: yes. I was... so young then. I didn't know any better [looks towards distant horizon]. He told me he had a big sled!

1 Jeepney and a gay

2008-11-12T05:31:00.000-08:00

ola cows! i want to share with you a funny (on hindsight) event that happened to me. it is a diane moment if there ever was one. so last friday, i went to Rockwell to watch the new James Bond flick (PHANTOM of Solace, according to my friend). But since i'm cheap, i decided to take the jeep! I quickly regretted my decision.

As soon as i entered the tightly packed jeep. i knew something was amiss. only when i sat in the middle did i realize--it was a jeep filled with gay comedian impersonators! O-M-G. i find them funny but i vowed never to be on the receiving end of their quick quips. too late. i didn't know my seat was specially picked for me. i was a corralled beside the queen bee--she was as gay as they get! she wasn't in costume tho but i swear, i almost feared for my life, or at least my dignity. I didnt want to look at him, trying to avoid contact as much as possible but i did know she was wearing shorts (or maybe a skirt, i can't be sure) sooo short that it was like he was just in a nightie. he was flailing his legs at me. He was squatting at times and shaking his booty in my direction while i looked away. he was talking to me in english, making small talk. he even sang 'Maging Sino Ka Man' to me ala ASAP or SOP! he was talking about me and addressing the crowd like he was in a show:

1. "Buti sinara mo yung ilaw kuya" (talking to the driver when the jeep went dark)
2. "Etong si kuya (me), di ko lang bibigyan ng load, bibigyan ko ng cellphone! (to which his colleagues replied "Pano mo gagawin yun e ikaw mismo walang cellphone!")
3. "Whereyooprom kuya? Bisitahin mo ko sa bahay ko. O punta ka sa club namin sa may DFA. Sa Parliament (i think). Kay Lacson yun, pag may dala kang 10 thousand pesos, pag labas mo ten pesos na lang, kulang pa pamasahe mo."
4. On his repartee with this other passenger: "Ikaw matanda ka na! Si kuya malakas pa."
5. "Pinagpapawisan na bay*g ko!"
6. And the usual "Lalake ako pare. Pa kiss nga."

the crowd wasn't much help, they were the ones egging him on to sit on my lap and to sing the Sharon Cuneta hit. And they were all laughing like mad! To top it all off, it was SUPER traffic. It took me twice as long to get to Rockwell but it felt like eternity. Good thing his attention was divided between me, this other older passenger which could be his real love interest, and what looked like a Japanese passenger in a taxi behind us who he was harassing. In fairness to him, he asked me if it was OK to do what he was doing. i just nodded silently. i didn't want to provoke him in any way! And i didn't dare take out my cellphone. :D

Good thing Rockwell eventually drew near and i tried to get out as defensively as i could. I'm sure they were all sad to see me go but i couldn't be more relieved. the movie was good, but i have to admit that the highlight of the night was the ride to Rockwell. the journey c ould be more memorable than the destination. :D

that's all cows! i hope you found happiness in my misfortune! hahaha. take care!

Summer 2008

2008-09-27T16:59:00.001-07:00

Aaron and I have very different opinions about the term "room temperature". Unfortunately I got outvoted at home.. not to say that I was entirely defeated. By and by I've found ways to customize our 2nd-floor bedroom temperature. A special thank you to father science, for allowing Aaron to believe for over 2 weeks that it was due to the fact that *warm air rises*

Attempt #1: My Goodwill Donation

Attempt #2: "but that's YOUR gym stuff"

Attempt #3: "There was no more space in the fridge"

Attempt # 4: "The dog did it"

lady bugs

2008-08-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

everytime i go for a smoke here in our Atlanta office i get bitten by these tiny bugs. interesting enough, i found out that it only bites females. unbelievable! sexual discrimination!!

da son of da boy

2008-06-10T22:25:00.001-07:00

with all this news about the untimely demise of rudy "da boy" fernandez, my officemates said i look like teh one encircled, except kulot. hahaha. i personally dont think so...

reading assignment

2008-06-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

after-dinner conversation

Aaron (to Brian): I'm very excited to read this massive book I just got tonight
Diane: the bible?
Aaron: no, it's something called "How to Dominate and Overpower your wife"

hahaha. Thicker than the bible then

Ode to Scratchy

2008-04-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

For several months, we were haunted by the pitter-patter of little feet and scratchy noises emanating from the attic. We thus fondly referred to the unknown thing as Scratchy. Aaron, as landlord, called up the "Critter Catchers" to determine the nature of the problem (i.e raccoon, chipmunk, wolverine...) and through close examination of its excrement, they deduced the animal to be a squirrel.

For an extra $50-charge they would've caught the creature, but Aaron figured he could do it himself (of course). And he did successfully trap it: he blocked its passage to the outside resulting in its untimely demise right above our bedroom. (quite melodramatic and vengeful for a rodent)

When springtime came, the lengthened days saw to the thawing of the ice and to the decomposition of Scratchy's body as well; and the home that had once been cured of Scratchy's careless dance moves now endured the wrath of his rancid ghost.

Enter: the Fellowship, nay, the Order of the Dead Squirrel (move over ghostbusters). They are an elite force that would banish the odor of destruction and decay, literally.

(That's my husband on the left wearing my swimming goggles as part of his uniform)

Below: the grandmaster-catcher carrying top-of-the-line equipment

Victory: target exhumed

Scratchy: May you rest in peace, babe.

Writings on the Wall (A Welcome Home Tribute)

2008-04-12T14:35:00.001-07:00

All but the orange were written and pasted by my "special" someone :)

from "Josh":

from Julissa:

from the "homeowners association":

from "Datta":

And the pièce de résistance:

making tawad the diva

2008-01-05T18:33:00.000-08:00

kakaiba. siya, slang managalog :)

diva: hi aaron
aaron: kamusta
diva: oks lang ba dyan?
aaron: ooh [oo]
aaron: hineko [hay nako]
aaron: wog mo akong pakelaman
diva: hahahaha
diva: i love it
diva: you're good
aaron: I'm getting better
aaron: I can say broom now and that's too expensive
aaron: mahal mashadow
diva: asan na ang inaanak ko pare?
aaron: we're working on it
aaron: I need someone to clean this house
aaron: and someone to mow the lawn
aaron: so she definitely needs to have a baby soon
diva: ako nalang ang yaya mo
aaron: yeah!!!!
aaron: we will pay you with kamaties
aaron: and patatas
aaron: and gattas
aaron: you'll be rich!
aaron: vegetable rich
diva: hahahahaha!
diva: wow

ommm

2008-01-05T17:45:00.000-08:00

I came back to yoga class today, I did much better than day 1...
They'd asked us to close our eyes, relax and breathe deeply: I awoke to find the others in the perched egret position.

At least I didn't drool or meow in my sleep.

Revealing what's within

2007-10-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

My titas from the States came to visit and they stayed in my room so my mom had it thoroughly cleaned--changed my bed, added new furniture and fixed my mess by placing them in boxes. So anyway, the aunts have come and gone and i am now staying in my refurbished bedroom and while i was dressing up this morning, i accidentally glanced at my newly organized bookshelf. I noticed an unfamiliar book between my Paulo Coelhos and advertising books. To my chagrin, it was 'Finding the boyfriend Within!!!" It was neatly stored in my shelf for the past 3 months! Ever since my aunts stayed in my room!

I knew it i should have burned that book years before! CURSES POOX O KEEFE!!!! CURSES!!!!!!!!!

by the way poox, i just checked, there was no dedication so it really looked like i bought it myself. Hahahaha.

MOO!

2007-09-30T05:30:00.001-07:00

MOOOOOOOOO!!!
i have nothing significant to say. i jsut wanted to say hi to y'all. :)

another conversation on family planning

2007-09-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

papá: Are you awake?
poox: hi pa
poox: still finishing something for work
papá: ok go to bed. Where is Ed? [what he calls my significant other]
poox: he's doing emails
papá: good night
poox: goodnight
poox: hello daw sabi ni ed
papá: It is midnight you two go to bed and work on something else!

oh dear.. PEER PRESSURE!!

Did you know...

2007-09-20T00:26:00.000-07:00

...that India is the only country that has a Bill of Rights for cows?

should we migrate vacas?

MOO with me!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-09-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

Come brothers and sisters! Come kindred spirits! MOO with me!

Just saw RENT the movie on DVD and there's a part where Maureen was rousing up the Bohemians against their building's foreclosure. And they did it by Mooing as one. This eventually caused a riot. When did Mooing become a cause of bloodshed? Anyway, i just remembered u guys when they mooed. Keep on Mooing everyone! Ü

***************

I'd like to take this opportunity to give my hearty congratulations to the wonderfully unusual couple--Mr. and Mrs. LMNO' Keefe! May the Goddess Mother bless you and may your hamsters flourish forever!

A Conversation on Family Planning

2007-08-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

poox: uve been dilly dallying for a while now
pouty: yes
pouty: and uv been diverting urself from ur seminar for quite a while
poox: yes doing my very best
pouty: will sleep now. nyt!
poox: NOO
pouty: ahhaha
poox: by no means are you allowed to leave me alone in this boring session
pouty: and YOU, you go back to ur lecture
poox: do you hear me young man!!
poox: go to your room!
poox: i'm practicing na for our hamsters
poox: "sit in a corner and think about what you've done."
poox: "no pellets for you, mister"
poox: "no wheeling around for a week! you're grounded!"
poox: hahaha shet am i losing my mind or what?
poox: you're not listening to me...
pouty: yes, you lost me at hamsters
pouty: anyway, i wish the hamsters the best of luck
pouty: i hope they survive you
poox: hahaha i will grant them the gift of neurosis
pouty: pls dont traumatize them and give them personality disorders
pouty: u will ruin their short, rodenty lives
poox: personality disorder is just a fancy word for "character"
pouty: yes, pls try not to build their "character" too much
poox: haha ok ok
pouty: lest the other little hamsters and guinea pigs start ostracizing them
pouty: baka theyre not cool enough for the other lab rats

my white-people bridal shower!

2007-08-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

Aaron's family threw me a shower lately and I didn't realize that the objective of showers here in the US wasn't to send singledom status off nor welcome the formalization of a sexual partnership, but rather to prepare you for the home you were about to build. They gave me an array of chopping boards, cookbooks, utensils and other appliances (which I returned for cash because in this day and age I've learned that a sturdy home must be founded on well placed investments, over and above cleaning gadgets. Plus I'm just lazy and undomesticated :p).

The only person who had other thoughts was the grandmother. She gave me large aqua-colored underwear (hopefully not a family heirloom).

Exhibit A. A for Aqua Panty

2 other persons misunderstood the occassion: earlier this week I received a joint card from 2 aunts sendng a gift card to accompany their deepest regrets for missing the occassion. The apologies and salutations were written on a greeting card that read "babies are a joy..."

Apricot story (continued from previous...)

2007-07-31T09:12:00.000-07:00

Last night we got home from the gym and thought it might be nice to have a fruity snack i.e. our left over pears from the Apricot recipe.

Apparently they were peaches

Pork Medallions in Apricot Sauce

2007-07-27T15:30:00.001-07:00

The title sounded classy and the picture in the cookbook was sublime. It was an especially curious dish for someone like me who'd grown up in a land bereft of apricots so I was almost as excited as Aaron to get started.
I prepared the meat while he concocted the strange sauce and 30 minutes later the dish was ready. We served it to the roommates and at first taste everyone was in agreement that it was indeed a tasty treat. Very well done, we thought, until someone brought up the question: "where are the apricots?"

And thats when we realized... we'd used pears by mistake.

Vietbodia Vaca

2007-07-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

I'm back from my Vietbodia trip (pics coming soon!) but i wanted to share with you guys some pics that i feel is relevant to all of us--A glimpse of the ethnic bovines from the indochina region! Apologies for the lack of close up shots. I was on a bus from the Cu Chi tunnels when i took this for despite their less urban ways, i did not see any cows in the city. I was the lone cow. The food was great though and it was quite an adventure. I'm still waiting for the day when the cows can travel together. We can also bring along our arch nemesis for fun. :)

oh so quiet...

2007-07-20T04:07:00.001-07:00

It's been awfully quiet lately. Even our number one detractor seems to be MIA.

ze pouty

2007-06-07T16:29:00.000-07:00

ze luziouz, zuh-que-lent lipz of ze pouty

ladies, eat your hearts out! :P

office hotelling

2007-05-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

my desk measures less than the length from the tips of my fingers when my arms are outstretched while other folks have spaces that can fit 3 grazing cows. It's all a mix in this new area they renovated to allow for more people to fit. I, along with some other new folks, have been lodged in the third world 2-star accomodations. My team sits in the back corner which I realized is not too bad because we have a view of the outside woods.

They put up 15 of these desks against the wall that lined the best route to the restroom. Those are now fully occupied by Indian contractors.

I think one or 2 might not have showered.

It is no longer the best route to the restroom.

Re: Spaces for PR team

2007-05-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

[an email correspondence]

Jose Manuel:
Hi Guys,
Finally! Here are the office spaces available for PR Team… they don’t look that nice, but at least you can have your own place and phone! These places are located along the wall next to the FSS team, I have assigned them according to your role and interaction among yourself… let me know ASAP if you would like to get GH1YD-00S instead.
GH1YD-00S Spare
GH1YD-00T Diane
GH1YD-00U Sofia
GH1YD-00V Cristhian
GH1YD-00W Miguel Angel
Additionally, please let me know if you would like to have rolling file cabinets or any other special need

Me:
Hi Jose Manuel, we lack chairs and telephones at T and U. If they can provide, that would be great. Thanks

Me again:
Andy told me he had a kiddie pool in his cubicle; can we have one too? Hehe just kidding. Thank you for the accomodations

Andy:
I saw you trying to steal that chair today – if you deserved a chair, they would’ve put one at your desk.

ola from a vroadvand vaca

2007-05-14T20:07:00.000-07:00

haloooooooo! how r u? m fine thank you! I cant wait for our ohoi-an vaca to ve vack in the vilivins so we can have a vaca vacay (pronounced vacae as choob's friend would say). anyway, i just wanted to tell all of you friends that i am officially part of the broadband family! we just got our DSL last weekend and i immediately bought a wi-fi router para sosyal. hahaha. anyway, hope you guys are all doing ok. zee ya zoon!

9-to-5-er for a week

2007-05-11T03:39:00.000-07:00

Hola vacitos and vacitas! :) Now that the week has come to an end, I finally have the time to make a post! I've been a 9-to-5-er the past week, you see, conducting whole day seminars for students who wish to learn HTML and Flash. My oh my how I've forgotten what it's like to work on a fixed whole-day schedule. It was quite the rude awakening. And the fact that I even managed to awaken in the morning was quite a momentous achievement. So now I feel like my weekend is much more special, as the days that have gone by had given me very little time to relax. I kind of liked it actually - this whole working 9 to 5 thing that you corporate vacas have been so accustomed to (although I have this feeling that you want to drop a large, heavy stoned cow on my head for saying that). I shall surely miss it, for next week, I am back to my regular routine. But in the meantime, I feel a sense of oneness with the corporatarians (I just made a word up) of the world who spend long working days and drink copious amounts of coffee.

Market Diversification

2007-04-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

Only in America, folks; once again proving that it is the world's biggest and baddest innovator. The idea is super simple: increase revenue by expanding the target market (naturally). And yet it has never been understood in this light ever before. Kudos, America!

coMOOOO esta from Puerto Rico

2007-04-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

Hello! yes I miss all of you and finally I have some time to catch my breath. The Puerto Rico trip was interesting indeed and right now I'm too lazy to put things into a cohesive paragraph so shall storytell in random snippets:

(1) at the airport I bought an apple and made the mistake of asking the saleslady if it was washed. she plucked the fruit with her unwashed hands, brought it to their janitorial closet and washed it in a dirty basin next to the mop. "There you go." Gee, thanks

(2) We approached this life size statue atop a pinacle and I asked, "Cristobal Colon? Who's that?" All the Latinos turned to me to reveal a where-have-you-been look of twighlight-zone amazement. "He's only the guy who discovered America." Ohhhhh, Chris! It's been a while, pare...

(3) I thought "no problemo" was a Spanish phrase. The taxi driver was much amused

(4) First of all instead of saying "How much [do you want]" I uttered "How much are you"; and second I used the wrong verb form so that in an effort to say this to the taxi driver I ended up addressing my Argentinian project manager instead. hay problemo

All in all though, Puerto Rico was a great experience of a beautiful country that couldnt help but remind me of Manila: The locals were laid back (to the dismay of certain American customers), the streets were very much intact but somewhat worn, the foliage was a darker green, and the weather was nearly tropical.

This place called Old San Juan was like a marriage between Intramuros and Greenbelt with its very quaint brand of sophistication. Everything there seemed to be awash in a kind of aged-newness.

Come to think of it, there was actually only one thing, ouside the use of Spanish, that, for me, distinctly set Puerto Rico apart from Manila: the presence of tisoy street vendors. Well I never...

just nonsense

2007-04-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

hello cowies!! i've missed you all.. sniff sniff.. especially the poox.
poox, btw, ive seen your PR pictures. beautiful, divine! hahaha.
well, i obviously do not have anything in particular in mind to write except that i wanted to say "hi" to y'all!
hey, does anybody know what is up with the weather!? gosh, it's warm. and for a creature like me that needs to sleep in the afternoon, it is like trying to sleep in hell. geez! seems like i burn more calories sleeping than when im working out in the gym since i tend to wake up in a pool of my own sweat.
oh and i just need to share that the worst thing to happen to radio is the invention of what i like to call "the commercial song". you know, those songs specifically written to advertise a particular product. i mean, come on people! they invented the jingle for a reason! and that's so people dont get bored having to endure a whole song on 1 product. grrrr..
well, that's enough nonsense from me for the moment. bye all!

2007-04-24T09:55:00.000-07:00

Oh my dearest stoned cows (and bovine nemesis), where art thou? Have we come to this? Grazing in different fields with no time to look up and digest with our multiple stomachs?

crack is whack

2007-03-31T08:12:00.000-07:00

Let's just call her whitney.

Ulk, there's this fat middle aged woman who's been going around bad mouthing me in the office because she's been overtaken for a position twice and fears I could be capable of doing the same. So she tries to backstab me via our new team lead, asking in malicious jest if I'd crowned myself the new team lead instead. The team lead doesn't understand where this is coming from and Whitney is shooed off our backs with a fly swatter. So whitney flies all the way up to program manager - who in turn reports her to her boss for unteamly behavior. *smack*. Whitney then goes dramatic on the team meeting asking whether she is still on the team because she doesnt see her name attached to any task. We are all caught unawares and our team lead is speechless. I spoke up to try smoothing over the tension by suggesting, in all business-like sweetness, that she take my tasks. The team lead complied and reassigned my work load without a moment's hesitation. There you go, charity on the job. I can't imagine that she was too happy about that but hell, she did ask for it.

So at the end of the day maybe I have her to thank for being an exercise in people and gossip management, or for challenging me to be the more mature person, or, moreso, for serving as indisputable evidence to the fact that negativity does not burn calories.

love thine enemy...

2007-03-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

The Stoned Cows would like to give a big MOOOO to our number one detractor who is celebrating her birthday today! MOOOO! There is no escape from the kalabaws! :)

Hong Kong Hi!

2007-03-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

Mabuhay friends! (Who invented the term Mabuhay? What's up with that? Long Live? Who says that?)

I am back from my Hong Kong holiday enriched by experiences but impoverished in dollars. I would like to officially announce that I am in mega-tipid mode now and I will not be seeing you all till 2009. Hahaha. Unlike my first HK trip which basically consisted of a lot of eating and a trip to the Space museum, this trip consisted of walking, walking and more walking! I swear, i can officially apply to be a Hong Kong tour guide. I've ridden almost every train and gone to every stop and probably walked even more than that.

Some interesting Stoned Cows-worthy anecdotes from my trip are:

1. I love the fact that everything works in Hong Kong. The trains are so easy to use, the streets are safe and walkable and the scenery is so cosmopolitan-Asian. It's like one big upscale Binondo without the spit and trash. Although it was quite strange for us to see a big mound of what looked like poop on the elevated walkway in Mongkok. There are no stray animals in HK (in fact, the owners walk really nice dogs like Siberian Huskies) so i was assuming it could only be human waste or a really funky looking piece of Mashed root crops like Taro.

2. The people in HK walk extremely fast and everything there is quick! In fact, the escalators in the MTRs are so fast that they have a constant reminder: "When using the escalator, please watch your step, hold the rail tightly and don't fall." Quite helpful really. My officemate almost fell. Good thing she grabbed hold of a hapless Hong Kongese that wasn't rude and didnt slap her silly.

Which leads me to my next point...

3. I think people there are just innately rude. They don't mean to be but they are. I think each one of us was screamed at or experienced being eye-rolled/irap at one point or the other. That's why its actually hilarious to go to Disney and see how the staff are EXTREMELY NICE no matter what you do. And my officemates really tested their patience. Like there's this fancy bus that takes visitors around the park. My officemate actually leaped into the car to have his pic taken. As in he was dangling like he was riding a jeepney! Instead of getting mad, the driver stopped, smiled and offered to take his picture. I honestly believe that if we weren't protected by the spirit of Walt Disney, my officemate would have been "dealt with" by the Chinese mafia.

4. Disneyland is like a realm of drugged people where everyone is just extremely happy. No matter how skeptical or jaded you are, you can't help but be affected by the constant happy music and the fact that you'll see policemen who play with kids, or you'll walk by Goofy and Pluto waving at you. It's just surreal when you see cinderella or Ariel speaking in Chinese. Really strange.

That's it friends! I hope i was able to impart some Hong Kong know-how to y'all. I really wish you were there. I'm sure i would have been laughing all the time. Maybe we can do it sometime soon. That would just be grrrreat!

Blogger's Block

2007-03-10T04:39:00.000-08:00

I am, at this moment, awash with the very strong urge to write something. And yet as I stare blankly at my superduperkaduper bright 20" LCD, with my hands resting on my silicone protected white keyboard, I come to the frightening conclusion that I am suffering from...

teh BLOGGER'S BLOCK... (echo, echo, echo)...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Linguini

2007-02-28T07:04:00.000-08:00

I find Filipino to be a lot more expressive than English in the sense that the words themselves, as they are constructed, heavily imply to the word's subjective meaning. So I have been educating a diligent American pupil to the beauty of this form of expression, with 1-2 phrases a week. Observe:

Lessons #72 - Mukha kang puwet (trans. you look like a butt)

Student has been very receptive to tutoring. Lesson plan for next week:

Lesson #73 - Amoy kang kilikili (trans. you smell like an armpit)
Lesson #74 - Amoy kang kilikili ng bumbay (trans. you smel like an indian armpit)

Review of Lesson #71 - TAE! (trans. feces!)

What's that, Universe?

2007-02-27T23:33:00.000-08:00

If the universe could talk, what would it be saying?
I ask this because I feel like it has been trying to tell me something. That or it’s conspiring against me.
If the universe were talking to you, what would you imagine it would say?

Cows in the News

2007-02-27T15:54:00.000-08:00

Read about murderous Croatian cattle and flying bovines here. Incidentally, the stories are compiled by one John PUKITE. Perhaps he is a distant cousin, poox?

H.V.D.!

2007-02-14T00:31:00.000-08:00

This is kinda old but i think it's very timely for the season. Happy Valentines Cows (and diva!)! :)

Romantic Acronyms

the classics…

J.A.P.A.N Just Always Pray At Night.

H.O.L.L.A.N.D Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.

I.T.A.L.Y. I Trust And Love You.

pang international….

L.I.B.Y.A. Love Is Beautiful; You Also.

F.R.A.N.C.E. Friendships Remain And Never Can End.

C.H.I.N.A. Come Here! I Need Affection.

B.U.R.M.A. Between Us, Remember Me Always.

I.N.D.I.A. I Nearly Died In Adoration.

K.E.N.Y.A. Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.

C.A.N.A.D.A. Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction

P.E.R.U. Porget Everyone... Remember Us.

K.O.R.E.A. Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.

E.G.Y.P.T. Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!

Y.E.M.E.N. Yugyugan Every Morning, Every Night.

R.U.S.S.I.A. Romance Under the Sky & Stars is Intimate Always.

local naman tayo…..

M.A.N.I.L.A. May All Nights Inspire Love Always.

B.A.L.I.W.A.G. Beauty And Love I Will Always Give.

M.A.L.A.B.O.N. May A Lasting Affair Be Ours Now.

I.M.U.S. I Miss U, Sweetheart.

P.A.S.I.G. Please Always Say I'm Gorgeous.

C.E.B.U. Change Everything... But Us.

P.A.R.A.N.A.Q.U.E. Please Always Remain Adorable, Nice And Quiet Under Ecstacy.

T.O.N.D.O. Tonight's Our Night, Dearest One.

P.A.S.A.Y. Pretty And Sexy Are You.

wala lang…

M.A.R.L.B.O.R.O. Men Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Only.

and my favorite….

P.H.I.L.I.P.P.I.N.E.S. Pumping Hot.. I Love It! Please Please.. I Need Erotic Stimulation!

The Tale of the Cursed Work Station & the Untimely Return of Stan Miller

2007-02-11T09:52:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday, Suzanne asked our boss if I could take his cubicle for the day so that we could be side by side in the office. He agreed, although in the back of his mind he must've considered the possibility of me vandalizing his space.
At 6pm I shut down my PC, went on a chilly 10-minute walk home, then plugged mr. computer right back in to continue the day's labor. But alas! The contraption would not turn on! I removed the battery, switched power sources, shook it, blew into each disk drive, baby-talked to it... all in vain. So I did what any sensible girl would do: I went to the mall. When I got back the piece of crap still would not turn on.
The next day at work I was given a pretty useless replacement. It was just icing on the cake that I'd forgotten my company password, locked it in an effort to convince the system that it was wrong and I was right, and upon calling the help desk, found out that their password reset tool was down. There was one thing that did work though: the company messaging application (Sametime) which logged on automatically under the previous owner's account - a certain Stan Miller. Realizing I shouldn't, nay, couldn't sit around and be unproductive in the work area, I proceeded to message my co-workers. Observe:

Stan Miller: M&S [Suzanne's Area] blows
[long pause]
Suzanne: hi Stan
Stan Miller: hi babe
[an even longer pause]

------------------------------------------------

Stan Miller: hi alejandro?
Alejandro: yes
Stan Miller: i heard you won some sort of company VIP award
Stan Miller: and the reason i'm bringing this up is because i'm part of an elite organization called OSEP
Alejandro: VIP?
Alejandro: ahhh MVP
Stan Miller: and i wondered if we could possibly screen you for induction
Alejandro: ahhok, I never heard of it
Alejandro: but sure
Stan Miller: thats great.. you'll enjoy excellent benefits, for a minimal fee, of course
Alejandro: what's that fee?
Stan Miller: $100 for the anual fee which includes the club uniform
Stan Miller: It's not spare change. this, after all, is the OSEP- the Organization of Super Excellent People (OSEP)

------------------------------------------------

Stan Miller: hi Roman
Roman: hi
Stan Miller: can i be your friend?
[no response]

------------------------------------------------

Stan Miller: hi, Andy? Of the Total Order Management Project right?
Andy: yes
Stan Miller: ok, I was told you were an expert in this area so I need your valuable opinion
Stan Miller: I have a cocktail party I'm attending this evening and I need something chic but appropriate to wear
Stan Miller: Like, what color range would go best with my dirty blond hair?
Andy: Do i know you?
Stan Miller: yes.
Stan Miller: Do you want to go to lunch?
[long pause]
Andy: I'm in a meeting right now and i can't talk

------------------------------------------------

Stan Miller: hey,
Stan Miller: are you single?
Christian: uhm..do I know you?
Stan Miller: well, andy told me about you
Stan Miller: and it was a rather intriguing conversation
Christian: single, but not available...
Stan Miller: ok. too bad for you. Business first though: I'm on the conference call you're in. suzanne asked me to tell you to tell Vaidy that his phone is not on mute and we can hear him breathing
Stan Miller: of course dont put it like that
Christian: Kindly inform the lady that he's no longer on sametime... and if he were, id ask him to breath harder

------------------------------------------------

Stan Miller: hi
Noname: hello
Stan Miller: I'd like to ask you out
Stan Miller: i saw your picture in people finder
[very long pause]
Stan Miller: noname?
Stan Miller: i'm rich. and almost single
Noname: what?
Noname: i don't understand... is this a joke?
Stan Miller: so i'll pick you up at 7 then?
Stan Miller: 13th street right?
Stan Miller: i would even dare to venture the slums for you
Noname: seriously... who is this?
Stan Miller: and my pc died and it needs an asian girl to take care of it
Noname: diane!
Noname: gaga!
Stan Miller: HAHAHA
Noname: gaga ka talaga.

Between Poverty & Paradise

2007-02-06T21:21:00.000-08:00

This is a bit long guys but i hope you enjoy this article as much as i did. It came out last Sunday in the Inquirer. I think it's beautyfully written and very diane-y dramatic at the end which was great. Quite a nice outlook on Poverty and the country. :)

Between poverty and paradise
By Paolo P. Mangahas
Inquirer

As I got ready to introduce my country to my German friend, I realized I did not know where to begin. After all, how does one explain poverty to someone who has never experienced it before?

MANILA, Philippines -- Last night, I had dinner with a German friend to talk about her planned trip to the Philippines. She had just completed an internship program in one of the law firms here in Malaysia and wanted to take a short holiday in a nearby country before heading off to Australia to finish her studies. She wanted to know more about the Philippines and asked me for tips on making the most of the two-and-a-half weeks that she had allotted for this vacation.

We planned her trip between bites, armed only with a faded map of the Philippines that we had downloaded from the Internet. My goal was to identify all the “must-see” places in the country (her criteria being beaches and volcanoes), plot them according to distance and flight routes, and then cram them all in 17 days. A tall order indeed, especially for someone like me who has never had a sense of direction even in my own neighborhood. For the life of me, I could not spot where Boracay was on her map. So I took the easy way out and told her to go to Palawan instead.

I carried on with the task like a diligent student trying to remember my geography, starting from the rice terraces in Banaue up north, moving down south to the Mayon Volcano in Bicol and the Chocolate Hills in Bohol. It was an embarrassing ordeal nonetheless as she could see that I was struggling to find all the other attractive destinations on the map, which in turn made me realize how little I truly knew about my own country.

She was very excited about the trip and was eager to learn more about the country and its people. She imagined the Philippines to be an eternal fiesta of Spanish and Chinese Third-World flair, filled with warm and accommodating people who all speak with a clear American accent, where all men have the handsome earthy appeal of Jericho Rosales and women the heavenly mestiza charms of Kristine Hermosa (thanks to Filipino soap operas that have become so popular here in Malaysia).

It was certainly one of the most honest cultural impressions that I have ever heard and quite amusingly, one shared by many. In my German friend’s opinion, the Philippines is one of the most open-minded countries in Southeast Asia. I found this view rather interesting, especially since it came from a European who has never stepped foot in the Philippines and whose only direct exposure to the country, was me.

The funny thing about cultural impressions is that they often come from a place of both acute perception and blatant ignorance, split in the middle by what is painfully true. But they are what they are—impressions.

Quite naturally, my friend and I have come to build our own impressions about Malaysia in the several months that we have been here. Malaysia is a beautiful country that seems to be in a hurry to develop economically, but is hampered by a palpable trace of social reluctance. It seems grounded on an age-old culture that simply does not mix well with progress, or at least the kind dictated and exemplified by the Western world. I find this true for most developing Asian countries, including the Philippines.

My friend pointed out that she has never seen a beggar in the streets of Kuala Lumpur since she moved here and asked me if it is the same in the Philippines. As a matter of fact, she admitted that she has never seen a beggar up close in her whole life and asked me to explain how it is to live in a poor country like mine. She wanted to know more about poverty.

Her question struck a chord in me because I realized that apart from Jericho Rosales, this woman had absolutely no idea about the country where she was going and how it was out there. Here was someone who came to me wanting to know more about my country and the best I could offer was a geographical representation of scenic destinations, which I hardly even knew myself.

By this time, I had put down the pen I was holding, set aside the map, and got ready to explain to her details about my country. I did not know where to begin. After all, how does one explain poverty to someone who has never experienced it before?

To make things more relevant to her, I started by comparing the Philippines to Malaysia. I told her that blue-collar workers in the Philippines did not have the same opportunities as the ones in Malaysia, who can afford to eat in the same restaurants where executives eat or even shop in stores where their own bosses shop. I told her that unlike the ones I have met in Malaysia, secretaries and administrative clerks in the Philippines will eat in posh restaurants only on very special occasions and can barely afford to travel to other countries.

I then told her about the beggars, young and old, who parade the streets of Manila, the children who knock on car windows selling sampaguita, the mothers who have to forage for food in garbage landfills, and the unemployed fathers who waste their lives on drugs and alcohol. I told her about the shanties that bedeck highways and railroads, the unproductive traffic jams, the garbage-infested streets and sewers, and the regular typhoons that flood the country and exacerbate already poor living conditions.

I told her that poverty in the Philippines unapologetically hits you in the face the very moment you step in. It is an open wound just waiting to be healed.

My friend looked shaken, as if experiencing for the first time a world she has seen only on TV. That was when my tears started to fall. I could not help it. I have never cried in front of a semi-stranger before but for some reason, I cried this time because she was still not immune to these things. Her unawareness taught me to see poverty as if for the first time myself, which brought out a lot of pain. I have become so used to the pain that I have forgotten how it felt until I painted for her the sad face of poverty.

I then found myself having to explain to her that despite all these, the Philippines is still a beautiful country and this you will also feel the very moment you get there. It is a beauty characterized by the indomitable human spirit of a people who have seen better days and yet still have the capacity to find a piece of heaven in their lives. It is a beauty defined by the untiring faith of a people who have learned to acknowledge their plight with reverence and yet have never lost the courage to dream big dreams. It is a beauty characterized by the painful history of a people who have been abused and pillaged through the years and yet still have so much of themselves to give.

Now her tears were falling, smearing the map that I had earlier vandalized with circles and arrows. But I knew it did not matter anymore at this point. I realized that my friend had learned all she needed to know about my country and my people. She thanked me profusely, saying that she came to me wanting to know more about how poor the Philippines is but in the end, she learned how abundantly blessed Filipinos truly are.

A beach is a beach and a volcano is a volcano anywhere in the world, but it is the people who make the difference. I learned in that moment that I may not know the geographical features of my country all too well, but I sure know its heart and its soul because it is who I am.

The real poverty lies in not knowing this.

Have you swung your flap lately?

2007-01-27T10:57:00.000-08:00

from some highly acclaimed professional haiku writer:

COFFEE HAIKU

It's okay. Be sweet.

Open your heart to the world.

Swing your metal flap.

I think this profession has just topped human christmastree and imaginary friend in my list

The Buzz worthy

2007-01-26T07:36:00.000-08:00

This is just too fun-eee to not share! So there's a Comtec gimmick tonight at Mati which i wasn't able to go to since i had to make poopoo because the tsokolate batirol i had for dinner doubled as a laxative. So i sent my regrets to the Bovine Diva who quickly replied: "It's OK. But *BEEP* (i had to edit my post due to her divaness. let's just call her TONI...as in toni pinangang) is here and you're missing this."

Hahaha. I tell you, if i didnt need to poop, i'd go just to see that priceless moment! she really knows how to motivate me! ;P

All Worked Out

2007-01-23T23:05:00.000-08:00

ok, people. i'd like to take this moment to vent a little.. ready?
yesterday i was at the gym and i wanted to use this one machine (now i wont specify which machine that was) but unfortunately, some guy was sitting there texting God-knows-who for what felt like an eternity! :P quite honestly, although i believe i might be part of the minority of people who actually go to the gym just to work-out, that means sans socializing and flirting with the other gym members, or with the personal trainers,etc, i really do not mind when i see others using the gym as a dating arena. however, there are some nuisances i will choose not to tolerate. and that is the hogging of machines and/or equipment during their "socializing hour". i mean really, it's just plain selfish! just exchange numbers and get on with your workout people! hahaha.

as an added note: i still find it amazing that the gym has become a venue for meeting people. i mean really, how attractive can one be if they're all sweaty? or does all the sweat remind them of other things...

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

2007-01-22T10:34:00.000-08:00

oh soooo peaceful...

meanwhile here's Datta putting the finishing touches

on our 6-foot anatomically-correct snowMAN

Some Things Just Shouldn't Go Together

2007-01-18T19:43:00.000-08:00

And the "Dumbest Movie Title of the Year" Award goes to...

black spots

2007-01-08T22:51:00.000-08:00

like constellations, these spots have meaning...

Ode to feet, by Aaron O'Keefe

2007-01-08T09:46:00.001-08:00

What was given in beauty to my hands, must have been taken from my feet. I don't have that lovely a pair but I don't complain because they work just fine. So what if i'm lampa.
In a recent visit I had them professionally cleaned for P80! ($1.63 based on the current exchange rate) and the woman who did me the service was such an expert on the field that she didn't fail to note how i hadn't had them cleaned recently. An amazing observation.
Picture shows my revived toes which couldn't help but inspire a beloved to compose this literary masterpiece:

You know I used to think that without you I'd be completely lonely. At least that was until you emailed me a picture of your ravishing feet.

Those beautiful, painted, white feet of yours never ask me to watch stupid, poorly made romantic comedies. Those feet, my soulmates, my soulfeet! never try to feed me sushi. They just seem to smile at me and wink. In fact, I think I'll write a poem for each toe on those beautiful soulfeet. Here goes....poem #1 for toe #1 on your left foot....entitled "Her Crooked, Hobbled, Little Toe"

Her Crooked, Hobbled, Little Toe

her crooked
hobbled
little
toe
probably feels so jealous
of the other pretty toes.

The other pretty, relatively straight toes
probably make fun of her
crooked
hobbled
little
toe.

bow

ass, balls or inflated vagina?

2007-01-06T17:52:00.000-08:00

because green spots are so sexy

2006-12-28T15:46:00.000-08:00

Look! through the magical process of filipinization, i present... BOBITO!

A is for Epol

2006-12-19T18:28:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend met a Filipina at a restaurant. He then started showing off the precious mouthfuls he could mutter:
"Masarap ang patatas"
"Gusto ko ng gatas"
He ran out after that so he asked her how he might refer to the "carrots".
She very matter-of-factly replied:"it's kerots"

ah.. of course

2006-12-17T20:43:00.000-08:00

congratulations, poox! for both passing the test and proving that the system is flawed! we're so proud.
back here, we take comfort in the system we have in place...which is, you pay extra money and they give you the written exams with answers already plus no practical test required! hooray! :)

The system is FLAWED!! (thankfully)

2006-12-17T18:21:00.000-08:00

The funniest thing happened this week.. well two things, technically: (1) I passed my driving test (2) on the first try AND (2.5) I even got a perfect score on maneuverability. Is this for real?!? It's like i woke up in some parallel universe called America.

p.s picture attached is of me earlier this year when i drove a "new" car into a ditch beside the highway. here's to redefining the test drive

Don't have a cow, man

2006-12-17T08:24:00.000-08:00

hear ye, hear ye, holy cows to usher in the apocalypse in place of those antiquated horsemen?

Apparently so with cow breathe, cow flatulence and cow raising being the highest contributor of methane: a greenhouse gas 21 times a more potent than carbon dioxide.

In the meantime, it was 65 degrees today! Springtime in December... my turn-of-the-millenium guilty pleasure.

Chicken poox

2006-12-14T18:41:00.000-08:00

Sorry but i have yet to crack the conundrum that is poox. Choobie, i've said it about a hundred times out loud (ok, it was more of a whisper) and it still doesn't make sense. I pray to the goddess mother for enlightenment in my hour of need!

Welcome! :)

2006-12-12T01:06:00.000-08:00

In behalf of my dear, dear friends, I would like to welcome you all to our wonderful blog entitled "The Stoned Cows". 'Tis a place where we shall share our maniacal musings and rudimentary ruminations about life... and stuff... So, once again, we humbly welcome you to...

The Stoned Cows
we're not high, it just sounds like it

Enjoy your stay! :)

How to Type an ENYE (or the N with a Tilde)

2006-12-12T00:45:00.000-08:00

Niña Bonita was in a pickle a few minutes ago. She could not type in her name because she did not know how to type the enye or what is otherwise known as the N with a tilde or what I lovingly refer to as the N with that sguiggly thingy on top of it. But thanks to google, her problem was quickly solved in 4.2 seconds.

How to type an enye (or the N with a Tilde):

Windows:
ALT + 0241 = ñ
ALT + 0209 = Ñ

Source: http://www.starr.net/is/type/altnum.htm

Mac:
Option + n, followed by the letter n = ñ
(you hit Option + n first and then that sguiggly thingy comes out, then you release the keys and press n)

Option + n, followed by the letter N = Ñ
(you hit Option + n first and then that sguiggly thingy comes out, then you release the keys and press shift + n which gives you the uppercase N)

Source: http://www.starr.net/is/type/kbh.html#mac

whoopie

2006-12-12T00:26:00.000-08:00

hola, amigos! hoorah!
the stoned cow musings live!

hola tia!

2006-12-12T00:05:00.000-08:00

yahoo! our stoned cow dreams have finally come true! here's to recorded maniacal musings!

Hola!

2006-12-11T23:52:00.000-08:00

Hola!